Subtle Reminders!

I know most of you knew this blog was coming b/c most of you have seen my tears, watched David and I go through medical treatments and surgeries, and most amazingly you have seen me through a continual spiritual journey of learning what it means to approach God daily with your life and heart-knowing that none of it belongs to me but to the one who Created and Designs all things!

There is not one day that goes by that Satan does not remind me that I do not and may not ever have any more children. Some days Satan reminds with little things like commercials of positive pregnancy tests or just walking in the park and everyone having a sibling except Malaya. BUT other days Satan rains down the reminders. One of those days was yesterday. All the old, sinful thoughts came: the overwhelming sadness, the anger, the jealousy, the questioning God and myself, and just the simple grief of what isn't. Though I have learned to laugh at Satan and I am slowly learning his tricks, I still can not help but yearn in my heart. My desire for more children runs soooo deep. My pain still strikes me in my gut almost daily. Me asking God (as whiny as it seems), Why everyone else but not me, Lord, why??? As long as I breathe breath on this earth I will ask that question. Everyday I pursue an answer knowing there will not be one.

Two days ago, David was studying and came across this verse. I had it highlighted in my Bible but had unfortunately forgotten it.
"There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'Enough!'
the grave, the BARREN WOMB, land which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, 'Enough' " Proverbs 30:15

God's word tells me that my barren womb will never be content. Yes, I will continue to be devoted in prayer, and continue to desire to be more like Jesus daily but my empty womb will never say, "This is okay." My womb may remain closed forever and my womb will die unsatisfied but I do know that when I die physically....so will my womb. I will forever be in Heaven where ALL things are satisfied.

Until then I will saturate Malaya with all my love. She deserves nothing less. She is a jewel! And when I look in her eyes, I see hope.

And so I trust....I trust in God's plan. I trust that His ways are perfect.