One of my uses of this blog is to sometimes vent emotionally. If you click away from this blog right now that is fine. It is depressing and not encouraging at all! Writing this out is for my benefit, really....I write this over shed tears wondering what in the world God is doing. I get tired of being patient. I get tired of reading over and over his promises. Blah, blah,blah...
I have already had a very emotional day. Satan hit me hard in a few areas today. I just put my precious 5 year old to bed and for the second time EVER she shed tears over not having a brother or sister. This is so painful for me! She confessed that this week she started lying to the kids in her class. They had made fun of her a few weeks ago for not having any siblings. So this week she decided that she was going to start lying about it. She even told them their names: She has 2 sisters named Haley and Darla and a brother named Colton. She told me that she had been lying. She said that she doesn't want to have any of her friends over any more b/c they will "find out" that she really does not have any brothers or sisters!
If I don't come close to understanding this, how in the world is my 5 year old supposed to wrap her brain around this. She asked me, "What is wrong with you Mommy, that you can't have a baby in your tummy. " Shattered heart again as I explained to her that I just don't know. My heart breaks for her. In some part of my heart I wanted to tell her to keep lying to make it easy for her but I didn't of course. I told her that I don't understand either but that it is very important that she start telling the truth.
I left her to go pray and opened up the Word to Psalm 84:11. It says, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does God withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Oh, have I wrestled with this verse the last few years. I know that I do not define "what is a good thing", God does. But Satan loves to tease me with these words and rip God's perfect Word to shreds in my mind. Sometimes I feel withheld from, sometimes I don't feel favored and honored and my walk is definitely not blameless.
I hate that my daughter is starting to experience my pain. I want to point her towards the truth and to God's faithfulness but tonight I feel weak and speechless.
I confess my selfishness and will attempt to continue to lay this down where it belongs.
(Thank you Kayci for your sweet prayer just now! You are a jewel! Your phone call was perfect timing! Thank you for letting me shed tears with you and just for listening!)
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27 comments:
Jenny,
One day, Malaya will understand your sorrow and she will remember your love for God, your faithfulness to his will, your honesty with her, your belief in his Word and your tears crying out to your Father and she will know without doubt who was on the thrown of your heart (as your Mom likes to say.) I will pray for her little feelers not to get hurt anymore and for you and David to be able to help comfort her little heart. Family and friends are constantly lifting you and your family up in prayer. May His Peace settle in your heart and Malaya's heart tonight.
Kelli said it beautifully. I will just add that I will continue to pray, and I HATE this for you.
My precious daughter,
My heart is breaking this morning as I read you blog. I wish I had the perfect fatherly advice for you. But everything that could have been said probably has. Now it just all sounds like worn-out cliches.
I am so sorry! For you. For Malaya. For David. But I am so glad you have good friends to support you. Kelli, what God-inspired words you wrote.
You are an inspiration to me, Jenny Bizaillion. Because even in the midst of your questioning and doubt, your love for the Father is so obvious. Satan will continue to whisper his lies -- but always remember: God is so incredibly good!
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the moutains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Be still, and know that I am God
(excerpts from Psalm 46)
Your daddy loves you, and cries for you. And so does your Father in heaven.
"For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does God withhold from those whose walk is blameless."
I'm praying that His nearness will be your "good thing" during this storm. I wish I had answers. I just have love - for you and your family.
Do not question your blameless walk either. God's timing and ways are not ours sweet Jenny.
You are loved.
I don't understand it either, Jenny. My daughter lost four babies and all I could do was hold her and cry with her. My best friend lost her sister and her sister left two young children. All I knew to do was cry with her. When my son died the verse people would quote to me was Romans 8:28. I hated that verse. I lived in Job, Psalms and Ecclesiastes a long time. I read every book that explained why God acted as He did and found them all unsatisfactory. Thought I might write my own someday, but I still don't have anything better to say. I will tell you that who I am today was forged in fire back then. I don't understand this God, but I love Him. I finally had to decide that God is all powerful and that He is also good. That is called faith...and if the mountains fall, the earth trembles and the sea roars, I decided to trust Him - no matter what.
Jenny, I am praying for you and your daughter - your whole family. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this gripping pain that is so unexplainable - the loss so real.
Love's prayers...Dottie Schulz
"blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be your name
you give and take away
my heart will choose to say
blessed be your name"
i've typed in a million different things to send to you and none of them were sufficient. so i pray and say i love you.
jonathan
I just read the reference to your blog on Mike Cope's blog. I don't know exactly what is going on, but I have witnessed and experienced excruciating pain over yearning for a child as my daughter and son-in-law have been married over 8 years and been through major difficulties. Two years ago at this time, life was hard for them after lengthy infertility treatments, heartache, and loss. I believe the Lord used that pain to turn their eyes to another path, and today (this very week!) they are in China picking up my first granddaughter Mia JingMin. For a touching story of their journey, please see http://ourmia.blogspot.com/ . Chad's post on Nov. 30 gives a glimpse of the long, but rewarding road to Mia which they have traveled. God is so faithful! He will provide and restore joy to your family. My prayers are with you.
Jenny,
Thank you for sharing your heart and your hurts. I am praying right now for you, Malaya, and David. I am aching for you and am unable to imagine your hurt. EVEN STILL, you are demonstrating AMAZING FAITH to me and SO many.
Love,
Jen
Jenny,
I've shared my heart already with you on the phone. I just want you to know that I love you and that your walk is an inspiration. You are walking by faith and not by sight. I'm here.
Jenny,
I've shared my heart already with you on the phone. I just want you to know that I love you and that your walk is an inspiration. You are walking by faith and not by sight. I'm here.
Jenny,
I've shared my heart already with you on the phone. I just want you to know that I love you and that your walk is an inspiration. You are walking by faith and not by sight. I'm here.
Jenny,
My prayers are with you today.
Hugs, Serena Voss
Jenny dear,
I too am here from Mike Cope's blog and in response to your loving Dad's plea. You and I are in different generations, but we have a common blessing from God, our dads! I Praise God for that blessing!
Jenny, I'm another that doesn't know exactly what the difficulty may be, nor is it necessary. It's only important that a member of our LORD's body is in pain.
I begin a prayer journey for you and your sweet Malaya this very day, holding to His promise in 2 Corinthians 1:3-11. May His comfort come quickly for you and your beloved little girl.
You have every right to ask "why" - Jesus did from the Cross. God will give His answers in His time and we know that answer will be a perfect one.
What a blessing to read your blog and your expression of faith, your trust in our lORD, which truly is the ONLY answer for all of us.
May Malaya be comforted by her mom's great love and through it, grow in her love for her God. Yours is a powerful witness, Jenny.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Kathy
Jenny,
I am at a loss for what to say. Just know that you are on my heart and I will be praying for you and especially sweet Malaya. I love you all!!!
I cannot add to all that has been expressed here already except to encourage you to continue trusting in His will. I know you do. Your dad had a great lesson last night on the life of David and how God was faithful to David even as David questioned God and lost sight of what God had promised. It is plain to see that your wants and desires are strong yet your faith is stronger. I know God smiles upon you.
Jenny, oh how I know how bad a mother's heart hurts when her daughter's heart is in pain. I join you in your confusion. I join you in crying out to the Lord. I join you in choosing to love the Lord through it all.
I have checked this blog over and over today, reading the responses of your family and friends, and of those that share your pain even though they have never seen your face. What a blessing to have people lift our request to the Lord with and for us!
I love you, sweet daughter! I love you!
Jenny
I read your blog because of the post on Mike's. I love your parents tremendously and your Mom and I have shared some great times when we lived and worked in Coppell at the Riverside church. We are now in Amarillo and have not seen them in years.
May you know the peace that passes all understanding.
I am here from Mike Cope's blog too. How blessed you are to have such a wonderful support system.
A dear friend (who also lives in Keller) was trying for another child and had miscarriage after miscarriage. They dicided to be foster parents and now have two adopted siblings as part of their family. These children are blessed to have these people as parents. You never know what God has in store for you. Blessings to you.
Jenny,
My heart hurts for you so much! I read your post this afternoon and thought and thought about what to say to you. I wish that there was something that I could do to ease the pain of what you are going through. I hope it will help you to know that I have prayed about your struggle for several years, and will continue to pray for you. I am convinced that God has something special in store for your family. I know that God will bless you, Jenny. I don't know how, but I continue to pray for God's peace and blessings on your family. Since Mary Alice was little, I have prayed daily for three people, you being one of those people. I have seen the other two prayers answered, and in awesome ways! I know that God will answer the prayers that are being offered up for you too, in His own perfect way. Just know that you are loved and thought about and prayed for!!! I know that God will give you the words to say to Malaya. He is always faithful and knows just what we need and when to give it to us. I love you!
I am here because your sweet dad asked for prayers for you--I pray that God will give you His peace and you will feel surrounded by His love.
My wife and I are members at Decatur and I read about you in Rick's blog. For many years we tried to adopt a second child to go with our daughter but it didn't work out. You are not alone. Many people care about you and even those of us who do not know you are praying for you. More importantly God is with you.
Your love for your family and your Lord always inspire me. I will continue to pray for you, Malaya and David. I love you girl!
Valerie
Jenny,
I just wanted to let you know that I have prayed for you and will continue to do so. Keep in mind that God is BIG, and His plans and His ways are so much bigger than ours can ever be. Be patient and watch for His hand. He will guide you through this time.
Marcy
Jenny,
I am right there with you. My wife and I have been trying for 2 1/2 years for our first child (I haven't gotten to that point on my blog yet). All our friends have at least one, some of our friends have kids who are about to start driving. We feel behind. We have read several books and tried the ovulation watch. Friends who care are believing with us. There is power in agreement and it looks like you have many caring friends supporting you and praying for you. Now you have another. I will be back here often.
Jenny,
I wanted to tell you I thought it was cool that you got to shake Steven Baldwin's hand!! That sounds just about as exciting as Ashley getting a kiss on the cheek from Simon Cowell!!
When I went to your blog to leave you a note, I noticed this article and it caught my eye. I don't want to bring up any painful thoughts, because I know that this was posted a while back. But I wanted you to know that my heart aches for you and what you are going through. I know how badly you want to have another baby. And I know that it is not easy seeing friends around you having babies when it's what you want more than anything in the world.
I want you to know how much I love you, and how I have admired watching you grow in the wonderful Christian woman that you are. God has amazing things planned for you and your family. Although you may not see it now, I know great things are coming because I know of all the prayers that have gone up for you throughout your life from your family and even those of us who have been close to either you or your mom through small groups.
Don't ever give up. God has, and is continuing to use you in ways you don't even know about yet. I pray that someday my daughter will grow into being an awesome woman of faith just as you have. Nothing would make this mom more proud! I love you!
It is never to late to offer up prayers so tonight many many months later I am here praying and crying with you. My heart hurts so deeply for you. I love you so much.
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