Warning: Depressing Blog

One of my uses of this blog is to sometimes vent emotionally. If you click away from this blog right now that is fine. It is depressing and not encouraging at all! Writing this out is for my benefit, really....I write this over shed tears wondering what in the world God is doing. I get tired of being patient. I get tired of reading over and over his promises. Blah, blah,blah...
I have already had a very emotional day. Satan hit me hard in a few areas today. I just put my precious 5 year old to bed and for the second time EVER she shed tears over not having a brother or sister. This is so painful for me! She confessed that this week she started lying to the kids in her class. They had made fun of her a few weeks ago for not having any siblings. So this week she decided that she was going to start lying about it. She even told them their names: She has 2 sisters named Haley and Darla and a brother named Colton. She told me that she had been lying. She said that she doesn't want to have any of her friends over any more b/c they will "find out" that she really does not have any brothers or sisters!

If I don't come close to understanding this, how in the world is my 5 year old supposed to wrap her brain around this. She asked me, "What is wrong with you Mommy, that you can't have a baby in your tummy. " Shattered heart again as I explained to her that I just don't know. My heart breaks for her. In some part of my heart I wanted to tell her to keep lying to make it easy for her but I didn't of course. I told her that I don't understand either but that it is very important that she start telling the truth.

I left her to go pray and opened up the Word to Psalm 84:11. It says, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does God withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Oh, have I wrestled with this verse the last few years. I know that I do not define "what is a good thing", God does. But Satan loves to tease me with these words and rip God's perfect Word to shreds in my mind. Sometimes I feel withheld from, sometimes I don't feel favored and honored and my walk is definitely not blameless.

I hate that my daughter is starting to experience my pain. I want to point her towards the truth and to God's faithfulness but tonight I feel weak and speechless.

I confess my selfishness and will attempt to continue to lay this down where it belongs.

(Thank you Kayci for your sweet prayer just now! You are a jewel! Your phone call was perfect timing! Thank you for letting me shed tears with you and just for listening!)

More Pictures!

Is this a sign of things to come?? This is the phone my grandparents had growing up. My grandmother said that my mom spent most of her time on this thing. I think Grammy and Malaya have quite a few things in common:)
Finishing a yummy meal!!
Here is my Papa, Malaya, and B.

Okay, I think I ran out of picture room so here is a few more! Sorry so many but I had to work really hard to even it down to these!

Memories from Thanksgiving 2005

Grampy trimmed Papa's tree limbs for him. While he was doing it, he found a bird's nest for Malaya. She was so excited!!
Malaya and her sweet teacher!!
Malaya had a speaking part in their program. She did GREAT!! We were so proud of her!


What a GREAT week we have had.
Malaya's program/feast/shopping/eating/visiting/traveling/eating/being with family/eating some more!! It has been a fun week. We loved spending time with my grandparents. My grandmother's (we call her B) cooking was out of this world. My grandfather's (Papa) wit was funnier than ever. They are such wonderful, Godly people and have meant so much to my foundation of faith. It has been such a blessing for Malaya to get to have a relationship with her Great-Grandparents.
Thanks so much to my precious Dad who made Thanksgiving lunch so special by his blessing and encouragement he gave each person! I will never forget that!

I am still learning how to put pictures on here. They are in backwards time order. Sorry about the confusion!

Hope everyone had a Great Thanksgiving!! What a fun time of year!!

Now Let Me Explain...........

My precious sister in law, Kayci sent me this picture yesterday and I couldn't wait to blog about it. I have actually spent HOURS trying to get it to work. David sat down for 2 minutes and had it working! Don't cha' hate that!
Malaya loves both of her uncles very much! But a special tradition (sacrifice) that Uncle Josh does every year on vacation is this....
Josh pretends to be "Amy". She "comes out" periodically, on random nights on vacation. She tries to scrounge whatever outfit will fit around his muscles:), puts on some sort of wig ( some year's it's panty hose, one year it was a blonde hula skirt and this year it was a shirt (I think). Josh tries to convince Malaya that "Amy" dies her hair from year to year. This past year was the BEST!! "Amy" performed a concert for Malaya which consisted of "choreograhy" and everything. This picture was a pose after the concert. Malaya thinks this is the best thing all year. "Amy" calls our house from time to time to visit with Malaya.

Now let me give this disclaimer for anyone who does not know Josh! He is married to a wonderful WOMAN named Kayci! He is a minister and a grad student at Abilene Christian University. He enjoys working out, is a huge Huskers, Mav's, Rangers, and Barry Bonds fan (that should explain it all:) This is just one of those funny "uncle" things!

Malaya went to dayschool last year and told her teachers that she has an uncle that is a preacher that dresses up like a woman at night. There were some eyebrows raised at that one but I was very quick to explain!!

Thanks Uncle Josh for being an Uncle who is willing to do anything to make your neice laugh!!

Can I Just Shout (or whisper) a Wow!!

WOW!! We went to the Jeremy Camp concert Saturday night ( this was David's birthday present) and I must say (or whisper b/c I have no voice:) that it ties for 1st place of the best concert I have ever been to. It ties with Nichole Nordeman, though they are in quite different playing fields! His lyrics take you right to the throne room of God. They are so intimate. Even his "hard" songs have powerful lyrics! Camp is so gifted and I am so glad that he shares that gift with so many people. We had so much fun!! I did keep taking little peeks back at Trooper Paige. I was just making sure that labor was not being spurred on by the bass and rocking of the building:) So glad the Fletch's got to go even in the event of sick kiddos. Praise God for quick healing!!
David and I got home about 11:30 and we then continued our night with Jeremy as we watched his acoustic concert on DVD. Great times!! Great times!!

My mom is home from Germany! We missed her so much! We got to meet and say hi last night for a minute and when I pick Malaya up from school today we are going to head to Decatur to hang out, visit, and unpack more boxes. The unpacking was put on hold while Mom was gone. So glad she's back!!

Hope everyone is gearing up for the holidays!! I heard my first Christmas song on KLTY this morning. The season is upon us!!

Tooth Fairy Visit Tonight!

Well, we finally did it! The tooth fairy will be visiting our house tonight!! The Grampy tooth fairy already made a very significant visit! We are so excited. This tooth has been trying to come out for a long time. Malaya is the cutest "missing a tooth girl" I have ever seen

Sleepless Night:(/ Strong Words

I had one of those nights that I just had so "much" swiming in my brain I could not relax. The Holy Spirit was putting so many things on my heart to pray about. I had so much to talk to the Lord about, I couldn't get it all out fast enough. The Lord once again convicted me of some things that were in my heart that were not of Him. Through confession and tears and asking God questions, I felt Him cleansing me and molding me.
Anyway, through those hours of "wrestling" the lyrics of one of Jeremy Camp's songs (who I have come to find such blessing in his music) kept coming to my head and I prayed these words. May these words bless you today as you are searching...

"You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King
You want to be whole
You want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the King

This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you.

You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you.

All my life I have seen where you've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do repay all you've done
So I give my hands to use

This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you."


I have been dared by the Lord to seek him even deeper. I am taking him on His challenge!
"Seek me and you WILL find me" says the Lord. I give You my hands to use.........

Great Saturday!

This morning we had a great brunch at Kelli's house. We had so much fun! The food was great! It was so joyful to be together! I am excited about sending out my gratitude card.

I am off to clean the house which is always very exciting to me to have done! Then we are going to clean out the garage!
Is there a better Saturday??:)

Germany update: Mom is safely in Germany! It is nighttime there so they are off to bed. I am so grateful that they arrived safely!

Moving on In Life

Well, I am about to head over to Mom and Dad's old house to clean and as of today they can close that chapter of their lives. My heart is full of joy for them! Their new house in Decatur is beautiful. They live right on one of the main streets there. We were over there all day yesterday. We ate out for lunch and dinner. It reminds me so much of our days in Crockett. We walked in and Mom and Dad already knew almost everyone in the restaurant and they even knew the owner of the restaurant. Fun, fun days!! They are gonna' love it there!

Please keep Mom in your prayers. She leaves tomorrow for Germany for about 2 weeks. She is going with a group of about 20 women to minister over there. I am excited for her but it is a little anxious too knowing she will be overseas. We pray God's protection and that God will use Mom in amazing ways while she is there which I have no doubt about:) Also, just pray that she won't think too much about her "newly moved into house that is in a whirlwind". And that she will be able to lay that stress down while she on her trip.
It would probably be good to pray for Dad too. He always hates it when Mom is gone. He will be on pins and needles ready for her to get home!
Thanks for everyone's prayers for Mom and Dad over the past year or so. They are off to a great new beginning and it will be exciting to see what God will do through them there.

Baby J update-Baby J is 18 mm!! Growing like a weed:) They got pictures and saw the heart beating! Jennifer didn't even pass out once!! She got really dizzy at one point and thought she was going to pass out and the nurse quickly turned the sonogram screen around and when Jennifer saw their baby, she was fine:) Wow, the draw of a mother:) We can't wait till June!

Happy Birthday, David!

Man, I have been waiting all day to get on the computer for any long length of time so that I can write a birthday shout out to my hubby. He has worked ALL day, on his birthday for goodness sakes! Isn't everyone supposed to take off from any sort of work on their birthday?? I guess not too many people do and especially my David:) He did let us celebrate and spend a little bit of money to take him to Keller Pizza. Everyone's first b-day dinner choice:)
David is truly my deepest friend. Anyone that is married will know that marriage is not always easy. We have sure had our share of hard times and times of doubt and times that were full of Satan's lies and activity. Praise God that He uses those times to deepen our faith, to make us rely on Him, and teach us what "wrestling with the Lord" means through prayer. And most importantly to deepen our love for Him and each other.
Through those times I have gained a "mountain" of respect for my husband. He is so loyal and tender hearted! He teaches me daily how to be more like Jesus. He deepens my walk, he challenges me and my shallow thinking. He makes me think outside the box. You see, I have always been one that was perfectly comfortable right inside my box. David dares me to step out. He challenges me to see what is beyond "my box". What a gift he has given me through that dare!
When Malaya was in my womb he would talk to her, he would tickle her (or me I suppose), he was precious! When she was born he would get very insulted when my Mom or I would try to tell him how to do things. You see he was the oldest of 5 and was much more of a pro at all of that than I was. There were nights when he would take his "shift" and he would fall asleep on the floor in the nursery, just to make sure I would sleep and know he was "taking care of her".

He has been my light so many times in my life when I was blinded by satan's darkness. He has prayed me through and physically held me when I could not lift my own head from sadness. God worked through him to help me feel my victory. David helps me daily deal with reality. He is a constant amongst my mental chaos.
He always has a unique perspective on life. I have 100% confidence that I can ask his opinion at any time and he will give me an honest answer. He is a devoted man of God's word. He is faithful in being a man of prayer. So many times I will catch David walking around the house or driving in the car and his lips will be moving. It is the cutest thing and I know that he is having some serious conversations with the Lord and I dare not interrupt. I just quietly giggle to myself.
David is a fighter (not physically but in every other way) He never gives up on a good challenge. He is the MOST resourceful person I have ever known. Do not EVER tell him he can't do anything!! He will do it and do it well!
David is a terrific, magnificent, fun-loving, loyal, prayerful, wise Dad!! That is not nearly enough words to describe him! Malaya and David have always had such a special bond. She knows her daddy is full of fun and adventure but yet she knows his rules, she respects his discipline, and listens to him so much more than me:) Sometimes I am jealous of the way he can interact with her. He is amazing with her. He is patient with her. He always attempts to see things from her perspective and see life through her eyes. He prays over his discipline. He is so very interested in her life. It fills my heart with joy to watch them together! The only down side to this is now that Malaya has started school, if I am not home to make sure Malaya gets to bed, Malaya does not get put to bed. I will come home from a night out and there have been times when they have built ramps to race her Barbie cars, they have built campsites, they have had reading marathons, they have cartoon-a-thons, they have cooked things, they have made the house a zoo (literally)with all her animals, played dress up, had tea parties, and David has taught Malaya every kind of flip and cheerleading stunt you can imagine!
As any couple, there are some things (okay a lot of things) that really annoy me. Here is a short list of things.... no, I won't go there. This is a time of edification:) and honestly I wouldn't trade even those horrible habits.

I can not close this out and not mention David's incredibly good looks. He is a hottie in my book. I am in love with his bulging biceps and wish every woman had a set like that to hold on to. I will not go any further on that topic...;)

David has blessed so many peoples lives. He is absolutely an amazing person! I am so glad that we crossed paths at Abilene Christian University so that we could be partners.
I love loving you, David Bizaillion and thank you for being you!